You’re probably aware that our brand new bathroom-reading masterpiece—Uncle John’s HEAVY DUTY Bathroom Reader—is now available, and at a really low special holiday price. In this volume you will find hundreds of easy to digest articles on the art of safe-cracking, the Arab world’s Homer Simpson, the Japanese spy who made the Pearl Harbor attack possible, 185 uses for a pig, seven deadly SpongeBobs, and even instructions on how to hypnotize a chicken. And so much more.

But now, in a special BRI event that will shake the world, here is “Step 4,” abbreviated, from the HEAVY DUTY article that will leave you mesmerized and possibly a little moist, “How To Tickle a Trout”:

STEP 4. Slowly tickle your way forward along the underside of the trout.

Ladies and gentlemen, this has been a BRI event that will shake the world. Thank you.