If you work in an office, you’ll probably recognize most of these personality types. Just preparing to enter the workforce? Use this as a guide for whom—or what—to avoid. (This article first appeared in Uncle John’s Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader.)
PSI (Personal Space Invader):
Has no concept of acceptable distance; usually hovers well inside the bad-breath zone.
The Hamburglar:
No food is safe in the office fridge.
Hipper Than Thou:
Talks in catchphrases; punctuates remarks with two-handed finger pistols. Addresses coworkers as “Dude” or “Chief.”
Stinker #1:
Never heard of deodorant.
Stinker #2:
Exceeds the Right Guard (or perfume) quotient.
Wrinkles:
Shirt is never pressed and is always hanging out the back. Usually has a lot of jingly change in pockets (is often also a Stinker).
Pontificator:
No answer is a simple “yes” or “no.
Mr. Nice Guy:
Can anybody actually be this pleasant? Possibly harboring a dark, dark secret.
Know-It-All:
Butts into other people’s conversations, adding un-asked-for viewpoints.
Klepto:
Likes to “borrow” stuff from your desk.
Whiner:
Management is stupid, lunch is lousy, the boss is unreasonable, my work never gets recognized, life sucks.
Oscar Madison:
Somewhere under that pile of papers and burger wrappers is a desk. Somehow he knows where everything is.
Felix Unger:
a feather duster and a mini-vac in the office.
Pun-isher:
The office “comedian” has a bad pun for every occasion. Makes meetings last longer.
Gossip Queen:
Own life is so boring that she feels compelled to create office drama.
Mr. Needs-a-Tic Tac:
Need we say more?
Oversharer:
Gives way more info about personal ailments, romantic conquests, and family history than anyone could possibly want to know.
Headphone Offender:
Thinks he’s being quiet, but has no clue how loud he really is, humming along and tapping to the beat. Responds by yelling.
Toucher:
Pats you on the back, places hand on your shoulder, brushes against you in the hallway. Creepy.
Fiancé(e):
Every sentence begins with “My fiancé(e)…”
Nervous Nellie:
If female, compulsively twists her hair into dreadlocks; if male, clicks pen and bites his fingernails.
Cliff Claven:
Master of useless (and incorrect) knowledge.
Chester:
Man who has difficulty looking female co-workers in the eye, focusing instead on the region south of the chin.
Loudspeaker:
Hasn’t mastered his “indoor voice.”
The Quitter:
Has been announcing intentions to “quit this damn job” since before you worked there, and will still be after you’re gone.
Cat Woman:
Not the superhero, but the gravel-voiced lady whose life is her cats, to which her cubicle is a shrine.
The Echo:
Repeats other people’s ideas and often takes all of the credit.
Gab Gab Gabber:
Shows up unannounced to your cubicle and tells you all about his recent trip Disneyland; usually has photos.
Frequent Forwarder:
Once they get your e-mail address, you’ll be bombarded by cute li’l Internet jokes (like a list of office personality types).