See You Next Apocalypse!

January 28, 2013

Next Apocalypse: Zombie Survival KitLike every other Doomsday prediction before it, the world failed to end on December 21, 2012, due to the “Mayan Apocalypse.” Those who believed that the ancient race’s prediction of the end of a calendar cycle somehow equated the end of humanity were left embarrassed, especially those who did things like invest in underground bunkers or expensive survival gear. So, when is the next apocalypse? The good news, doomsayers (and bad news, everyone else): according to Dr. F. Kenton Beshore, founder of the World Bible Society, the world is scheduled to end in 2018. Pop psychic Jeanne Dixon, before her death, claimed 2020. And, of course, there’s the ever present threat of a looming zombie apocalypse. However and whenever it comes, get ready with some of these not-at-all ridiculous products.

Apocalypse Survival Pods. Liu Qiyuan, a farmer in Qiantun, China, was so worried about the Mayan Apocalypse in 2012 that he started crafting these strange vehicles. Liu constructed seven of them; each can hold fourteen people. The mini-Noah’s Ark-like pods are built out of fiberglass, float upright on water and can easily handle the 3,000-foot as foretold by the disaster movie 2012. It’s even got seat belts for when things get bumpy. Each pod cost Liu around $48,000 each to assemble, but, since the apocalypse was a bust, they’re probably priced to move.

The only book you’ll ever need. James Wesley Rawles’ book How to Survive the End of the World As We Know It instructs, with all seriousness, how to live through every kind of disaster, from a global financial collapse to a Biblical-grade plague. For example, you’ll learn how to build a private, backyard dirt toilet (when sanitation services inevitably crumble) when the next apocalypse hits and where to move when the bottom drops out (hint: the sparesley populated, and thus less competitive, countryside). As the last apocalyptic scare came and went, Amazon had more than 50 used copies of How to Survive available on the cheap.

The Gerber 30-000601 Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit (see picture above). A zombie apocalypse could get a bit messy and you can’t count on World War Z’s Brad Pitt or The Walking Dead’s Sheriff Grimes to save your butt. If—or rather when—the walking dead take over the planet, you’ll probably need one of these bad boys. Each kit contains three stainless-steel machetes (for cutting off zombies’ heads), three knives (for stabbing zombies in the brains), an “all purpose” axe, and a handy carrying case. They’re all backed by a lifetime warranty but, if one of blades proves faulty, you’ll probably be too worried about eating delicious braaaaaaaaaains to bother returning the kit for a replacement.

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