It’s Friday, and that means it’s time for your weekly faux-news news roundup. As usual, two of these bizarre news items are legitimately true. The other one we legitimately made up off the top of our heads. Answers are below; good luck!

A.

A Wal-Mart employee in Highwood, Illinois, is out of a job and facing criminal charges after he was caught stealing hundreds of hand-warmer packets from his employer. 25-year-old Martin Rodriguez was working the night shift, and on his 15-minute break, he went into the men’s restroom, where he pulled a hooded sweatshirt low over his face before walking back out into the aisles, stacking four boxes filled with the pocket hand warmers in his arms, then walking through an emergency exit that had been propped open with a wad of packing tape. He ran off the property with the boxes, but returned to his shift before his break was up. It seemed like a great plan, but Rodriguez’s had one major miscalculation: He forgot to remove his employee name badge from his sweater, which was visible on security camera footage.

B.

42-year-old Robert Vick, of Hartford, Kentucky, was on the lam. He’d escaped from a minimum-security prison in nearby Frankfort, and police had no leads on where to find him. But when temperatures dropped earlier this week into the single digits with a wind-chill of –20, the man, who was dressed in prison khakis, shirt, and jacket, decided it was simply too cold to run. So he walked into a motel and asked the clerk to call the police. After paramedics checked him out, he was returned to the warm arms of Blackburn Correctional Complex.

C.

28-year-old Candace Wood was just trying to enjoy her 28^th birthday. The problem was, she was also supposed to be babysitting a two-year-old. She was arrested after she took the boy from his home two blocks to a stranger’s house, then passed out on the back porch with the child. The homeowner, Tom Fordham, called the police, who found the child shoeless and shivering on the porch in 30-degree weather with the unconscious woman. When police began questioning Wood, she was unable to give the name of the child she was babysitting, but was very clear on the fact that she was drunk because it “was her birthday.” Deputies were able to track down the family, who told them the child’s father had asked her to babysit while he ran errands. At the time of this writing, Wood was being held on $2,000 bond.

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