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I Curse You!

June 13, 2016

Save these classic curses to use against people who refuse to toast you.
Strange curses
May the curse of Mary Maline and her nine blind children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself won’t find you with a telescope.
May your daughter’s beauty be admired by everyone in the circus.
May the devil cut the head off you and make a day’s work of your neck.
Six horse-loads of graveyard clay upon you.
May I live just long enough to bury you.
May you be afflicted with the itch and have no nails to scratch with.
All your teeth should fall out except one, and you should have a toothache in that one.
May the seven terriers of hell sit on the spool of your breast and bark in at your soul-case.
May you be transformed into a chandelier, to hang by day and burn by night.
May you win a lottery and spend it all on doctors.
May the devil swallow you sideways.
May you live in a house of 100 rooms, and may each room have its own bed, and may you wander every night from room to room, and from bed to bed, unable to sleep.
May you go stone-blind so that you can’t tell your wife from a haystack.
Your nose should grow so much hair it strains your soup.
May fire and brimstone never fail to fall in showers on you.
May you have devoted children to chase the flies off your nose.
May you back into a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.
May those who love us love us. And those that don’t love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we’ll know them by their limping.
Uncle John's Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader

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