Beauty is in the eye of the person with the weirdest beauty treatment. (This article was first published in Uncle John’s Triumphant 20th Anniversary Bathroom Reader.)

Egg on Your Foot

The Spa-Newbery in Boston offers foot massages with a concoction that includes…caviar. The spa’s owner, Selena Belise, says the fish-roe lotion is “similar to the skin’s own chemistry, so it binds the skin and brings nutrients.” The treatment costs $100. (Sounds fishy, though.)

Non-Lifts 

Platinum Skin Care & Medi Spa of Chesterfield, Michigan, offers “Non-Surgical Face Lifts.” How do they do it? The technician massages your face while wearing “electric gloves,” giving it a “low-frequency treatment to re-educate the muscles.” Cost of the re-education? About $100.

Can You Feed Me Now? 

Here’s a new alternative to dieting: weight-loss ear staples—tiny pieces of metal that are stapled into your ear cartilage, near the traditional “stomach” acupuncture point. A good stapling purportedly causes a decrease in appetite. It’s become so prevalent that several states around the U.S. have begun to regulate the practice, citing the fact that many people have developed dangerous infections after the procedure. Cost: $50 to $125.

Face to Face 

Getting ready for bikini season? Well, don’t forget the latest skincare craze: a butt facial. Just like a face facial, exfoliants are applied to “detoxify” your skin, but it’s not done to your face—it’s done to your butt. (That’s probably why it’s called a butt facial.) Cost: around $75.

Just Stand Under the Birdcage 

Nightingales are famous for their beautiful songs, and, according to Diamond Hawaii Resort & Spa in Maui, their poop makes your face softer. They say that Japanese geisha and Kabuki actors have used it for centuries to remove their makeup and refresh their skin. Cost: It’s a secret, but judging by the prices of their other products—a lot.

Escar-Gross 

Do you have acne, sun spots, freckles, or wrinkles? Get some Elicina cream. It’s made from 80% snail extract. How was it discovered? “Snail handlers noticed how quickly minor cuts healed without infections or scars, as well as the unusual softness of their hands.” Somehow they get the “extract” without hurting the snails. Cost: $25 a jar. (They make snail-extract aftershave, too.)

Highbrow 

What’s the latest craze in Singapore? “Eyebrow embroidery.” Many women are getting all their eyebrow hairs plucked, then having the appearance of eyebrows reapplied with tattoos. It’s become a huge industry in Singapore, generating more than $3 million a year.

Farm Fresh! 

Hari’s Salon in Cheshire, England, offers 45- minute bull-sperm hair treatments. “We chose to use bull semen in our latest ‘Aberdeen Organic Hair’ treatment,” a spokesman said, “after we discovered the rich proteins it contains gives a shine to the hair that other treatments could not.” Cost: about $110.

Mmmm, Spa 

At the Chodovar Family Brewery in the Czech Republic, you can take a beauty bath in beer. According to the Chodovars, “beer yeast provides the skin with a wide range of vitamins, proteins, and saccharides—and contributes to overall softening and regeneration of the cuticle.” They also offer beer massages, beer wraps, and beer cosmetics. And you can have a beer while you’re having a bath…in beer. Cost: Who cares?

Taj Mah-ud 

In May 2007, officials in India announced that they had endorsed a mud pack beauty treatment…for the Taj Mahal. The 359-year-old white-marble masterpiece has been turning yellow because of pollution. Officials say attempts to clean the structure with modern chemicals could harm it, so they’ve agreed to treat it with non-corrosive clay packs. The process, which will use mud similar to those used in face (and butt) treatments, will take between two and three months.