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The News from the Future!

January 9, 2018

We can’t look into the future…but these people with psychic abilities say that they can. Here are some major events we can all apparently look forward to this year.

Psychic

Aliens = Humans

Sylvia Browne was talk show fixture in the ‘90s and 2000s (back when there were a lot more cheesy talk shows on daytime TV). In 2004, she got a jump on her fellow psychics by revealing future events way before they happened. On the docket for 2018, from Browne’s view in 2004: All of the aliens pretending to be humans will finally admit that they are aliens. Among them are major world leaders and even a Nobel Prize winner.

Male Pride

A guy named Tana Hoy claims to be “the world’s most foremost psychic.” (At least that’s what his website says.) He made his predictions just before the end of 2017, and they aren’t much of a reach—for example, Hoy says that sexual harassment scandals will continue to rock Hollywood, and that relations between the United States and North Korea will remain tense. However, he also thinks that there will be a unique, male-led backlash to feminism, which will manifest in the form of “male pride,” and that men will start to wear makeup and carry purses.

Royal Split

Lisa Paron is a Canadian psychic, and she says her country’s federal government will follow the lead of many U.S. states to the south and legalize marijuana, coast to coast. Paron also bears the sad news that Prince Harry of the U.K. and his American actress fiancée Meghan Markle are going to split up before their spring wedding. However, Paron also says she might be wrong about that one, and that if the two do get hitched, Markle will become pregnant by the end of 2018.

Nuclear Missiles for Rent

Aliens, purses, and celebrity couples are relatively fun and innocuous compared to the kind of stuff that British psychic Craig Hamilton-Parker likes to predict—and claims to have accurately foretold before. For example, Hamilton-Parker predicted Donald Trump would win the election (when few prognosticators did) and that the U.K. would vote to leave the European Union (when few prognosticators did). The psychic claims that the first-ever serious earthquake will strike New Zealand, the U.S. will rent out its nuclear missiles to Japan, and that a revolution in North Korea will depose leader Kim Jong-un.

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